Job Advice from Cara May

Hey everybody! I don’t know what it’s like where you are, but here in the Women’s Center we have staffers preparing for real-world job interviews all the time. That’s right, it’s that time of year!  The seniors are applying for dozens of positions and I really want to do my part in helping them to develop the best interview skills possible.  Without further ado, I give you a fully reviewed and perfected list of tips and techniques that will make you the most memorable candidate.

-First of all, you may not be called in for an interview at all. Don’t fret! It is possible that your file was lost. The best course of action in this case is to pay a visit to the company you applied to work for. Do NOT knock on the door-you don’t want to seem too forward. Wait outside for as long as it takes, and do not leave until you are given an interview. You want to show your future employers that you are dedicated.

-Now that you have acquired an interview, start preparing. You will be judged almost instantly by your presentation, so choose your outfit carefully. I recommend studying the wardrobe of your interviewer and dressing to match. You can’t go wrong there! They will be bound to appreciate your similar sense of style.

-Another important aspect of your first impression is how you smell. This may not be consciously noted, but your cologne or perfume tells the interviewer what kind of person you are. To send a clearly high class signal, use “new car smell.” Use lots of it.

-While waiting in the reception area to be invited into the office for your interview, be sure to call the interviewer’s personal phone line regularly. Every two minutes or so should do the trick. They are very busy! You don’t want them to forget about you. Even if they get frustrated, stick to it. Remember, this proves to them how eager you are.

-Before any words are exchanged with your interviewer, be sure to perform a complete bug sweep. You want to ensure total privacy in order to have a truly open and honest interview.

-While you are checking every nook and cranny of the room, try to touch everything. The more surfaces you leave your fingerprints on, the better. Put extra effort into carefully placing prints of shiny surfaces, like fancy trophies. This way, if your application is misplaced later on, the company will have a way of tracing you through IAFIS. They can find your phone number and offer you the position!

-This tip requires a bit of preparation. Acquire photographs of the interviewer’s latest family vacation. Cut-and-paste yourself into one of them and frame it. Before the interview begins, place it on the interviewer’s desk. This will demonstrate your family values, as well as establish your place in their heart. You are part of the family now!

-After you have each introduced yourself, proceed to disregard the interviewer’s name. It is of no consequence, because you should be establishing comradery by referring to them with casual nicknames, such as “slugger” and “tiger.”

-Don’t be afraid to swear. This adds emphasis to all your statements. An example that I would recommend using is “I F***ING LOVE YOUR COMPANY!”

-Don’t worry if you accidentally (or purposefully) drop statements that could be perceived as sexual. Just follow up with a witty “that’s what she said.” The interviewer will appreciate your sense of humour and levity.

-Name drop as much as possible. If you run out of names to use, make them up. Use your surroundings as inspiration for made-up names (ie: General Stapler von Fountain Pen).

-Mention that you have a job offer pending from a huge organization (NASA or the FBI will do nicely). State that in order to compete with such a great offer, this company will really have to up the stakes. List your demands. Be sure to include a complementary pony and unlimited access to the company hot air balloon.

-Just as the interview is wrapping up, give your interviewer a “thank you” gift. This is ideally a build-a-bear that, when squeezed, sings your name, phone number, and credentials.

-Now that the interview is over, you may offer complementary services to the employees of the company on your way out! Bring your straight razor and donate your skills as a barber to bearded employees. Not only will they be grateful for your kindness, but they will remember you every time they touch their baby soft face.

These tips and techniques should guarantee the most memorable interview you could offer. I have guided you through every aspect of the process, so now go forth and conquer! Best of luck, my friends.